I keep a running list of the 10-20 people in the world who can make me smile no matter how upset I may be. In many ways this list sets me up for failure. I convince myself that these people can do no wrong in the world. I'm devastated when I have to erase a name. I'm elated when I add a new one. I wonder if I am on someone's mental list of people who make them happy. I wonder if I play a similar role to the people on my list. I've kept this list for a couple of years now. Some of you have even been on it. Some of you have been removed from it as well. Through all the changes in my list, only a couple of people have been there the whole time. One of them died earlier this evening and the world became a sadder place.

He was 95 and he lived a wonderful life. He died peacefully, surrounded by the people who loved him.  While it is safe to say that it was his time, a selfish part of me can't help but think about our time. While he lived 95 years, I only got to share 19 with him. A solid 10 of those were spent completely aloof, watching cartoons instead of having a conversation. 3 of those years were spent texting and obsessing over my appearance (even though our time was spent at a retirement home). The past 6 years were golden. I was able to fully appreciate and begin to understand this amazing person who was much more interesting than Spongebob or my new jeans.

The selfish part of me curses whatever notion of god I think I believe in for taking him from me, not the world. I want another day, another week. I wish I'd had the time to tell him goodbye. I wish I had told him about that list and how his picture is in my dorm room. I wish I had told him how I play a soundtrack of his laughter in my head when I'm sad. I wish I could tell him that he never disappointed me like so many people on my stupid list do, and I wish I could thank him for bringing me so much joy and sharing his beautiful spirit with the world.